Finding Myself Through Memories
“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” ~ Haruki Murakami
Holding on to my memories has never been my best virtue. It’s been a while since my head chose to perform house cleaning every once in a while, and until now, I still wish for it to stop working against my will.
Being in this perpetual state of forgetting has its own pros and cons. The pros, nothing can hurt me in the long term since it will be washed away the moment I sleep it off. The cons, my memories wither like a dust in the wind. Everything that I hold dearly, I keep them in my imaginary fragile box. But no matter how hard I tried to isolate it, it will always find a way to seep out and disappear. Sometimes I remember a tiny fracture of the happy memories like a polaroid print, but I always seem to miss the colour or the details in it. I have no problem forgetting what I ate for breakfast, but it saddens me to see the important events in my life being washed away. Such as my entire childhood or my memories with my dear grandpa. I’m afraid that soon enough I will forget the people who has ever loved me, or worse, forgetting who I was.
As our life unfolds, we realise that we are slowly evolving to better individuals each day. Our thoughts, our choice of music, and our choice of friends hold an important part in perpetually reshaping ourselves. I remembered my promiscuous days, but now I am just a shy Jane Doe who doesn’t have the urge to fulfil such thirsts anymore. Don’t you wish to be able to remember who you were anytime you want? Sometimes I just want to revisit my memories and appreciate what I’ve been through to get me to the happiest point in my life today.
To me, my entire life and memories are preserved in an old phone, where all the saddest and the happiest moments are intertwined with one another. It’s ironic how I am relying heavily on this piece of technology to conserve something so abstract that only I can feel. I keep my memories through my Instagram, my silly texts, and my tweets. I take photos of all the smallest details I can find, something to encapsulate how I felt or who I was. The photo of his hands lingering on my hair, the snout of every dog I meet, or the smile of my distant friends. I am scared of deleting my emails because I don’t know who I’ll miss. It broke my heart when I had to delete all of my tweets. The same heartbroken feeling was there when I deleted texts from exes who no longer hold an important role in my heart.
Today I long for the day where yesterday is just a stone’s throw away. The day when my tomorrow no longer rewrites what I’ve left behind. It will probably take me forever to finally find myself, not just the fragmented version of myself through my vague memories, yet it’s the most ideal way I can hold on to for now.
Çanti Widyadhari is a tarot reader, astrology writer, a wanderlust digital nomad, and a spiritually conscious Indigo Adult based in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. She thrives under the moniker Foxglove Tarot providing tarot reading service for the spiritual seekers. Follow her on her Facebook or Twitter to get a daily dose of positive vibes.