I Was Never Destined to be a Saviour, I Am A Time Bomb.
In this intimate essay, Greta Sept talks about how love does not always heal and how a relationship could be a disaster if you’re struggling with mental health issues.
Love doesn’t always heal, sometimes it’s destroys. He was at a worse shape since the last time we met. Being so far away from him for three years gave me the peace of mind and stability I needed. He told me how the last couple of years had been the worst period of his life. He was broken and struggling. I couldn’t turn a blind eye, especially because I always seemed to be drawn to individuals who are dark and forlorn.
I wanted to be his saviour. I was stable and positive and thought I was strong enough for the both of us, I really thought I was. I wanted to help him heal from the excruciation inflicted by his last partner. For the first time in my life, I was the epitome of patience. Regardless of his temper
tantrums and his rudeness, I dealt with it and I stood by him because I believed that he needed me more than ever. I couldn’t let him deal with his pain on his own because I knew that I was the only person he could confide in.
Staying positive and lifted was effortless in the beginning, but like gravity, I was dragged down to where I was three years ago because his negative force was overwhelming. No matter how well- intended and hard I tried to be positive, his negativity was constantly projected on me and I reverted back to the emotional person that I thought had died. Defying gravity is an impossible task for me to complete.
I reverted back to the state I was three years ago; emotional, anxious and depressed. The constant bickering and negative vibes dragged me down, lower than ever, lower than him because I let him do so. He believed that our reconnection is a mistake. I love him, he doesn’t and couldn’t. I was clearly a fool. I tend to lose myself when loving others and this time, there was no question. He still needed to heal and since I had become a burden, he turned a blind eye. Our bliss and longing to see each other turned into constant “I need a break from you”.
He has started to heal on his own but he couldn’t afford to have me as a burden in his life. I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but now we have lost each other. I’m finding it excruciatingly difficult to heal myself again. Perhaps he was right that our reconnection was a mistake.
I should have never let myself get too fixated about healing him and helping him grow. But tell me, how do you not to lose yourself when you love others? The greatest healing power may not be love, but solitude, to escape somewhere you can be on your own and heal without any help, without any prescribed medication, to find peace within you alone.