Essays

welcome home, starling

you are safe now

A Letter to My Psychiatrist

A Letter to My Psychiatrist

This letter was sent as a diagnosis requirement by the intended psychiatrist. The result suggested that Canti suffers from Bipolar Disorder type 2.

Dear Dr Sahat,

The rain today reminded me of my distant past: of many long lost memories and loneliness.

Back when I was still a bright eyed wanderer, seduced by the glimmering hope of metropolitan life, everything seemed like a phone call away. I was young and smart, but naive enough to invite strangers to my home to fulfill this lonely heart with temporary warmth. How gullible was I? To have thought that I must feed an empty carcass with others people’s lust for my beguiled innocence.

Love felt like sand on my fist. No matter how hard I tried to keep it in my hands, it would slowly cross the threshold of my fingers like time in the wind.

Sometimes I thank myself for not being able to remember my darkest hours. It paved a new way for me to fill my head with a new, exciting and sunny version of my present. But at this time of the day, when daydreaming seems like the only activity I can afford to do, I wish that important part of my life is within arm’s reach.

But rain, too, reminds me of hope.

Survival is for the fittest, they say. And if you are brave enough to hope, you are already making your first step in conquering the most important enemy: yourself. Hope may be a mundane wish for others, but for me it’s a privilege. To wish for a better life, a solid ground to rest my feet, and a stomach filled with love, is essentially the only thing that I always clutch onto when my life feels like it’s at its tipping point. I never wanted this rollercoaster ride. But I too believe that everything happens for a reason.

As I blew the birthday candle tonight, I am grateful to still be here. I have found my stable ground and filled my happy tummy with all the love I can get. Despite the teary melancholic eyes, every year, I am grateful to be alive and well. I still feel the occasional urge to end it sooner, but I have stopped giving in. It has been a hopeful 26 years and hopefully, it’s still counting. 

Çanti Widyadhari is a tarot reading and an astrology writer based in Bali, Indonesia. She thrives under the moniker Foxglove Tarot providing tarot reading service for the spiritual seekers. Follow her on her Facebook or Twitter to get a daily dose of positive vibes.
Push and Pull

Push and Pull

Life Outside the Bubble

Life Outside the Bubble